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Dear Quentin,
My husband is the youngest of four siblings who all live in the same state with their parents — far from where we live. All of his siblings and his parents are wealthy. We are in our early 30’s and still renting our place and paying off debt, student loans etc.
Whenever there is a family vacation or a big party for a family member where his family lives, my husband’s siblings or parents generously offer to cover our travel costs so we can also attend, and never ask for us to pay them back.
We have accepted their offer a few times over the years, but I wonder should we stop? How much is too much? Should we offer to pay it back? Is sending a thank you card afterwards too much? Any advice is welcome.
The Less-Wealthy Relatives
Dear LWR,
You are part of the family, and they want you to be part of their memories. I can’t think of any gift that could be more valuable. Sometimes, in-laws help their kids with a down payment on a house, which can cause complications if the parents feel they deserve to have a say over what happens to the house.
Gifts can, of course, cause complications. A man wrote last year to say a gift from his father was causing a family feud. His dad offered his three kids equal monetary gifts. Two siblings took cash, while the letter writer took shares. The stock soared in value — and the other siblings cried foul. But it was their choice to take cash.
But these gift are different. They a warm embrace disguised as an airplane ticket. There is no quid pro quo required, and no unwanted interference in how you run your lives. The only thing you have to do is say, “Thank you,” offer to help out while you are there, and send a card or gift when you go home.
“‘These gifts are a warm embrace disguised as an airplane ticket.’ ”
A “thank you” gift does not have to be expensive. It can be something thoughtful, and simple. Here’s an example: I recently entertained house guests for four nights, and honestly I would have loved for them to stay for four more nights. They were delightful company, and we created a lot of fun memories.
I was sad to see them go, but they noticed something before they left: a wonky coffee machine. “Oh, yes,” I said, “it leaks!” It would have leaked for another five years, except that a couple of days later a new coffee machine landed on my doorstep. That’s the kind of thoughtfulness that never fails to bowl me over.
There will come a time when you have enough money to take these trips on your own dime, and you will be grateful for all the memories and time you have spent together. You can then treat them in some other way. Your in-laws won’t be around forever, and the children in the family will grow up sooner than anyone expects.
It’s never too much to send a “thank you” card. In the era of texting, it means a lot to actually write a card, put a stamp on it, and go to the post office. Call me old-fashioned, but there’s something special about opening up an envelope to find a card with a nice message that you can put on your mantelpiece.
Accept these gifts as acts of love.
Happy New Year!
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