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John McClellan is a friend and former colleague of mine who exemplifies excellence as a classroom teacher. He gave up his lunches to provide extra help to students. He spent countless hours constructing ways to spark a passion for mathematics and even created a scholarship to help offset the cost of college for a deserving student.
Then he decided to take paternity leave. I’m ashamed to say that at the time I didn’t feel like what he was doing was right. I thought paternity leave was only done in other countries. I certainly didn’t expect someone so devoted to his craft to choose to take such a long time away from the students.
But his wisdom went far beyond the confines of a classroom. John was a husband and father first. Those were his most important jobs.
The ‘motherhood penalty’
Like the majority of American households, both spouses in John’s household worked full time jobs. John’s wife is an attorney, and deciding who should be the primary caregiver after the birth would significantly impact her lifetime earnings, thus their household income earnings throughout their marriage.
A study by Census Bureau researchers found that between two years before the birth of a couple’s first child and a year after, the earnings gap between opposite-sex spouses doubles, a problem commonly known as the “Motherhood Penalty” that persists until the child hits the age of 10.
The motherhood penalty is a manifestation of 20th century expectations of mothers. Regardless of career ambitions and earning power, women disproportionately elect to prioritize caregiving at the expense of their careers.
Nowadays women earn the same or more than men in 45% of U.S. households. Reconciling who tackles the primary responsibility as the caregiver should be a routine conversation between soon-to-be parents. But are couples having these conversations?
I posed this question to Kate Mangino, a gender expert and author of “Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home.”
“Parental leave, if it is available to you, may seem like a lot of time spent away from work,” she said. “But think of it in another way — think about it as an investment in your family’s future.”
She added: “When both parents take time to bond with the baby, and learn how to do all the baby things, it creates an environment where both new parents can grow — yes, in terms of continued professional growth and income generation. But also in terms of emotional growth, as they transition into their new role as a parent.”
John was not allowed to use his own sick leave to care for his child because his employer only makes exceptions for the mother, not the father. The family had to make the choice to live off of no salary for four weeks and be creative on doctors appointments and personal days to make up the difference.
John’s circumstances are the rule, not the exception. Due to the lack of paid family and medical leave in the United States, just 24% of private-sector workers had access to paid family leave to care for a new child in 2022, leaving many fathers with the same burdensome choice John and his wife faced.
Despite the short-term sacrifice, John’s choice was still financially prudent over time and was the right thing to do as a father.
Maureen Perry-Jenkins is a professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts-Amherst, and the author of the widely acclaimed research that was the foundation of her book “Work Matters: How Parents’ Jobs Shape Children’s Well-Being.” She said on the Modern Husbands Podcast that “Fathers were found to have as positive and negative an impact on their kids’ developmental outcomes as from their work. This is not just a women’s issue.”
Numerous studies prove this out. A longitudinal study by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) revealed that infants who had engaged fathers showed fewer behavioral problems and better emotional regulation skills as toddlers and preschoolers.
Another study shows that fathers who engaged in stimulating and responsive interactions, such as reading or playing, had a particularly positive effect on their child’s cognitive abilities.
And research published in the journal Child Development found that fathers who actively participated in caregiving activities, such as feeding and bathing, had children who exhibited greater social competence, including better peer relationships and higher levels of empathy and self-control.
Taking on most caregiving activities at home, handling doctor’s appointments and organizing play dates while managing the home are traditionally taken on by women, an unfair division of labor that persists in many households. But that is not the case for all of us.
Husbands and fathers have growing communities of support. At Modern Husbands, we continually hear success stories of men like John partnering to manage money and the home with their partners, and the same can be said for the fathering community.
For instance, Father’s Friday is a collaboration of fatherhood organizations and individuals who see fathers as change agents. We are hosting 14 panels from June to September focusing on a range of topics from Dad’s mental health to actions and strategies Dads can undertake to improve the world for their children.
There’s no better day than Father’s Day to acknowledge a national movement full of men like John. This Father’s Day, give the gift of support and community. Encourage fathers to join communities for modern husbands and fathers who are devoted to being better role models.
Brian Page is the founder of Modern Husbands, which provides men with advice about money, marriage and family matters.
More: Father knows best? What your parents’ generation got right and wrong on retirement.
Also read: How to know if you’re living with a ‘money avoider’
