When their clients marry, financial advisers hope to advise the happy couple for decades to come. If that happiness turns sour, many advisers refuse to stand by and let irreconcilable differences set in.
Advisers aren’t miracle workers. They can’t singlehandedly save a marriage. Yet they’re ideally positioned to identify money conflicts and offer pathways to resolve them.
Setting boundaries — and knowing how far to push them — tests advisers. If they pry and offer unsolicited advice about a couple’s marital troubles, their words and actions can prove counterproductive.
Advisers must resist the temptation to take sides, especially if they’re closer to one spouse. Listening with compassion helps build and reinforce trust. Lecturing and finding fault almost always backfires.
“I’ve had clients come in looking to get divorced,” said Sarah Carlson, a certified financial planner in Spokane, Wash. “Usually, it’s the woman” expressing frustration with their husband and looking for answers.
She cites the example of a 65-year-old client who feared that her 40-year marriage would end due largely to her husband’s divergent retirement goals and spending priorities. The client asked Carlson, “Can I make it financially if I leave him?”
Carlson assured her that she had sufficient assets to live on her own. But she also suggested that the client seek professional counseling.
Then Carlson hosted a meeting with the couple. She analyzed their holdings and crunched the numbers.
“We discussed dividing their assets and talked about if they got a divorce, this is how it would shake out,” she recalled. “Through that process, I took money out of the equation as something to fight over. That took away the power of money.”
As a result, the husband became more receptive to his wife’s retirement goals, including traveling more frequently. The couple both earned pensions, so Carlson helped them understand their long-term prospects for financial security.
Seven years later, Carlson says the marriage is strong. She credits a number of factors, including their willingness to keep an open mind and support each other’s aspirations and goals in retirement.
Sometimes an adviser can cut through layers of marital conflict to address the heart of the matter. One piercing comment can shift an angry spouse’s attitude and lead to reconciliation.
Amy Jo Lauber, a certified financial planner in West Seneca, N.Y., recalls a client who discovered that her husband had racked up credit card debt and hurt their credit score. He tried to rectify the situation by transferring balances from one card to another (to chase 0% introductory rates), but sunk deeper into a hole.
“She was so upset at him,” Lauber said. Listening attentively, Lauber let her client vent. Then she paused and replied, “Your husband believed he was doing the right thing for you. He thought he was managing your credit. He wants to do what’s best.” Lauber’s comment led her client to reframe the situation. She regained her composure and approached her husband with more empathy and less judgment.
Beyond making wise observations, advisers can share bold suggestions to jolt a couple into finding ways to forgive a transgression.
Adam Lampe, a Houston-based adviser, recalls meeting with a client couple about 10 years ago. One of them said, “There’s been infidelity in our relationship. Adam, what do you think needs to happen?”
Instinctively, Lampe came up with an idea. With most of their money in a joint account, he proposed that the spouse who engaged in infidelity could move all the funds into an individual account owned by the aggrieved party.
“There was a certain level of embarrassment and a need to regain trust,” Lampe said. “Moving millions of dollars to the spouse who felt betrayed” demonstrated a commitment to salvage the marriage. The couple instantly agreed.
The marriage has survived. Eight years later, the couple reestablished a joint account. Today, they remain happily together.
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