Brussels, dawn. Legal briefs drawn

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(With apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda, a spoof of Hamilton‘s “Your Obedient Servant” imagining a conversation between Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and EU Competition Commissioner Margrethe Vestager. Best read while playing the original song.)

How does Vestager, an arrogant economist, liberal
trilingual, commissioner
Somehow endorse telecom consolidation, her enemy
A field she’s opposed since her hiring
Just to keep me from acquiring?
I wanna be in the Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
You’ve kept me from the Zoom where it happens
For the last time

Dear Margrethe:

I am slow to smile
But I can code a line
As I reckon with the probes
Of your agency on mine
I look back on where I bombed
And in every place I checked
The only common thread has been your disrespect
Now you call me “gatekeeper”
Say I “put democracy at risk”
If you’ve got something to say, post online don’t send a floppy disk

I have the honor to be your obedient servant
M dot Zuck

Mr. CEO:

I am not the reason no one trusts your platform
No one knows what to believe
I will not equivocate in my investigation
I have always been happy to aggrieve
Even if I taxed what you think I taxed
You would need to cite a more specific instance
Here’s an itemized list of thirty tweets of your president

Sweet Jesus

Hey, I have not been fallin short
I am just a gal seeking to purport in the public court
Tryna do my best for our European Union, I don’t wanna cite
But I won’t back down from shining the light

I have the honor to be your obedient servant
M dot Vest

Careful how you go astray, good gal
Looking for me to pay, good gal
Answer for the TikToks I post in your feed or bombs away, good gal

Zuck your frown is Instagramable
I stand by what I stated indefatigable
You acquire only for yourself to beat competition
I can’t apologize because it’s my mission

Then stand, Margrethe
Brussels, dawn
legal briefs drawn

You’re on

I have the honor to be your obedient servant

A dot Vest

A dot Zuck